The Modest Life: August 2015

Sunday, August 30, 2015 No comments

Between family issues and seeking the attention that I could not get at home, I used to go clubbing a lot. Attention from males was my weakness. Now the Holy Spirit dwells within me and has cleansed me to do the right thing.

So I met this man at the club and he eventually became my fiancé. I was 17. I was so into being with someone, that I just allowed anyone in without consulting God. What did I know about the seriousness of what I was doing anyway? Well I knew something about it was not right, but the urge to feel wanted mattered more. Of course if I knew what I did now, I would not have.

I share this experience with you because I know it will help someone and I genuinely feel led to. I was so broken that I did not even understand my brokenness; so being in a relationship with someone about eight years older than me was the way forward. The main issue within my household was that my parents were having conflict issues in their marriage and nothing was explained to any of us. This led to my dad moving out, but still seeing us a lot and providing financially. Because they carried on as ‘normal’ and did not have much to say to answer my questions, I was confused and encouraged to go along with it. I was told to lie to those around me that all was well all in the name of ‘It is no one’s business’.

This is not me being bitter about it, because I love my parents and always will. We have all settled our differences and understand that in every family, there are issues. It is only the grace of God that keeps people together. Because there is a root to every problem; I am sharing mine.

I learnt a lot from that relationship, but obviously not enough to keep me from going from boyfriend to boyfriend. The main message for any young ladies that may be reading is to focus on the cross, Jesus. He is the only one that will fill any empty void.

None of the relationships I had been in were real because they did not have Christ in them. Full of fornication, intoxication and fooling each other that we were in love. It’s all lust lovely, nothing else. A man that cannot wait to have sex until marriage does not love or respect you. No one can know true love, if they do not know the author of it, Jesus. Turns out that he was planning to marry another woman from his country behind my back to make me his second wife. He was a Muslim that picked and chose what part of his religion he wanted to practice.

Even though I was lukewarm, I still knew Jesus. I am thankful that I had been raised to know Him. I began to pray my way out of this hole that I put myself in and God was slowly lifting me out and revealing all to me. It is amazing that even when we step out of His will, He still loves us and welcomes us back with open and loving arms. Especially when we are at our most vulnerable. So never think that you are too dirty for God. Because humans can reject you for any reason, but Jesus never will.

Even though we were engaged, I knew deep down that it would not work and that I could never really marry this dishonest man. I guess I liked the attention. It took me about 3 years to really heal from that relationship. I see now that it is because I did not truly let go and let God. If I spent time reminiscing on him and the things that we used to do, I was calling that demonic spirit of fornication and lies back into my life. No wonder it took him ages to leave me alone. As soon as I cast down the thought and did not entertain the memory of our jaded relationship in my head, he fled from me.

[James 4:7] Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

What I went through with him did not help the low self esteem that I faced. I felt used because all he was really with me for was for what he could gain. I see that he was looking for someone to marry so that he could have stay in this country. And the worst part of it was that he did not know Jesus and it was revealed that he was practicing witchcraft. So if I did not leave him, I could have lost my life. But God forbid bad thing!!! God has a plan for my life and it just was not that.

[Jeremiah 1:5] Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.

What people do not know is that I was unexplainably ill when I was with him. I would get back pains for no reason and other weird symptoms. When I would go to the doctor they would never know what was wrong. It was only when I cried out to the Lord, left him and started taking my life seriously that I became healed. That is one of my biggest testimonies. I really saw the change in my life once he was out of it. He even confessed that the woman he planned to marry knew he was with me; he would not put it past her that she would be spiritually attacking me.

So ladies, be careful not to let strange spirits into your life, whether through soul ties that can occur through fornication, eating food offered to you by them or emotions. The more you spend time in His presence is the more you will hear the Holy Spirit telling you NO. I could not shake that soul tie off for about 3 years and part of the reason was because I did not even know what a soul tie was. All this time I could have been using to dedicate to God. All I know was that emotionally, he manipulated me to feel bad for leaving him. “Who will make you feel the way I do when we sleep together?”, “When you leave, you will have to rebuild a relationship with someone else, that will take long and why would you want that?”, “I know that I cheated on you, but don’t you love me, wont you fight for me??”, “But are you really going to call that cheating though? I did not even sleep with her!”.

There was a lot of back and forthing once I initially left him, I was weak. It hurt to see that the man that I gave myself to was emailing a strange woman telling her how good I am to him, but he really wants her. The rejection was real and the pain was raw. But at the age of 20 I decided that I wanted to live for Jesus. It has been a bumpy ride since then with a lot of backsliding in this department. But I have made a promise to the Lord and will not go back on my word.

[Ecclesiastes 5:4] When you make a vow to God, do not delay to fulfill it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow.

I am now 25 and have spent the last two years pretty much allowing Jesus to rebuild my heart, become intentional about my walk with Him and not lukewarm, heal from a previous relationship and just being real with myself. It.Is.Not.Worth.It. So if you reading are in an unhealthy relationship that you know you should not be in, make that phonecall, send that text. End it. Nothing/no one is worth getting in the way of you serving Jesus.

You are beautiful, you are worth it, God has someone for you that will show you love like you have never seen before. And believe me, if my husband can show me love and respect to reflect how Jesus feels about me, that is a beautiful thing. You will get your loving husband that loves God more than He will ever love you and who bases his moral on the Bible. But for now, please just focus on your personal relationship with Jesus. Make it your business to put Him first. Not because of what you can gain, but because of what He did for us on the cross and the way He loves us – He is worthy and He loved us first.

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

God bless you ladies. Once you know your worth, you will stand tall like the Queen that you are. You are a Daughter of Jesus and that’s BIG. Once you receive the Holy Spirit you will begin to look more like Him, your confidence will grow and you will no longer give a split second of attention to any time waster. Jesus will strip you of all the things He wants you to change. Forgive all your exes because I know I have. One thing I will say is that no one forced me into any relationship and I knew my right from wrong. So this is never to put down any men from my past, but to share a testimony for God to get all the glory.

I cannot thank you enough Jesus my King and my everything. So I will continue to sing your praises, forevermore.

Rosemary x

Saturday, August 15, 2015 2 comments

Jesus I cannot thank you enough, the way you have lifted me up from such a situation that I thought was so bad has been a blessing to me. I cannot begin to put into words how much you have changed my life and have given me a better heart since I completely gave my life to you. Lord, I owe it all to you. For as long as I live, I will always put you first. No more fornication or lukewarm worship, I dedicate my life to you with no regrets, I will serve you like there is no tomorrow. When I make mistakes and trip, I know you will be there waiting with your loving hand to pick me back up. I love you more than life itself.

Psalm 63:3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

So lets rewind for a moment, to the young woman/girl that had daddy issues that she didn’t want to admit to because she was taught to lie about them and the individual that was seeking love in all the wrong places. Something just needed to hear the “I love yous”, “You’re beautiful” and “I will marry you but..” all the lies and excuses. The truth is that you have to seek Him first [Matthew 6:33] before thinking about your emotional and selfish wants. It is all meaningless when you know that he is NOT God’s best for you.

I have realised that this issue is SO common with women and men. We all want to be loved and cared about, but coming from someone that used to be in the world, we go about it the wrong way. God created sex for marriage, any other interpretation of this is a lie from the devil.

I remember when I got into the last relationship I was in about 4 years ago. I began it by saying that I do not want to have sex at all and that I was saving it for marriage. So if he was not interested, I will assume that he does not want to be with me. We were 4 months in, having not had sex and he was working on my mind. I allowed myself to be manipulated into something that I did not want to do. He started by saying, “Well we do not have to go the whole way”. A kiss here, a touch there and you know the rest. This is not to paint any of my exes in a bad way because I had a choice. I allowed myself to make the wrong choice. The devil will always be there to tempt, but Jesus said that, No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it [1 Corinthians 10:13].

My point is, that we have to do what is right before God. I don’t know about you, but I became tired of living a lie. Lying to myself and allowing the devil to make me feel inadequate was something that was and is not worth it. After sexuality in a relationship, I believe that things start to go left. Once we walk away from God’s will, we expose ourselves from all kinds of things that the devil has in store. Unwanted pregnancies (not saying that children are not a blessing, but God's way is better), disease, heartbreak, soul ties, stress. Is it really worth it?

God kept telling me to leave the relationship. I did not listen. I liked the idea of this fake love and wanted to pray my way out of the dark hole of lies and just hopefully as if by chance, maybe God will give me the marriage that I wanted. Until one day 11^th August 2013, he suddenly broke up with me. I could not believe it. I cried and begged but God created a situation that we would never get back together. Jesus wanted me back and that was all. Deep down in my mind, I felt that it was good because at least I could do the right thing that I was somehow scared of doing. But the emotions were there. I had to deal with the truth that I had not been real with my Lord or myself. I had to make it right…

Believe me it was not easy. I had many down days of tears and feeling like crap. One thing I will say is that, Jesus is a healer. There is no situation that He cannot fix and no broken heart that He cannot heal. In this time being single, God stripped everything away that was bad and still continues to mould me into the woman that He wants me to be. I almost cannot believe it, that I am so unbothered about being single and I am very intentional in my walk with Jesus. Sometimes it brings me to tears how undeserving of His grace I am. But we continue to thank God; I know I am nothing without Him.

[Romans 12:2] Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

So since the age of 23-25 I have remained single. I have learnt:

· If you are not at peace with it, don’t do it.

· Flee from sexual immorality is tattooed on my heart.

· I am beginning to learn the true meaning of marriage and the truth is that it is all about serving, not about how much sex we can have.

· Its not about emotions because they come and go. Jesus stays.

· If God told me that He did not want me to get married in the next 5 years, or even never, would I stop serving Him? God forbid. St Paul said it best:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want [Philippians 4:12].

I am not pretending that I do not desire marriage, please don’t get me wrong. What I am saying though, is that I am no longer a slave to chasing the wrong man and pretty much begging to be liked enough for him to ‘put a ring on it’. I put all that energy into serving God. So His true Disciple, His best will have to love Jesus so much that he finds me in His arms. There is no other way. A lifetime commitment is no joke. So before you make the same mistake that I did, thinking that it could somehow be worth it, think about the consequences. We all have our cross to carry and this was mine. But let us not crucify Jesus all over again by lacking in faith. Know that He knows your heart desire and He will grant it. Trust Him!!

My life has changed for the better. No more worrying about why we are arguing when I mention marriage or wondering whether he is cheating. I have peace of mind in the Lord and that is how it should be. Never will I waste my precious time on a man that does not live for purity. Jesus is the author of love and that guy you are with will never truly love you if he does not know Jesus’s love.

Considering all this, God has shown me time without fail that if I did end up marrying this man that I was shedding tears over, I would have had to deal with not only his, but his family’s mental health issues, I would have had to force him to pray with me because his heart was not really in it and stress about his lifestyle because he was not saved etc. The worst thing about it is that he came into the relationship with his past soul ties, as did I. Long story short, we should have never made it past "Hello". Do you think that this is what God wants for us? I am not saying that I will never fall on hard times and maybe experience mental health myself. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone nor will I claim it on myself. But I am making the point that I am not immune to life’s problems because I am a Christian.

I will leave you with a paragraph from Heather Lindsey’s book “Runaway Bride” that has now become my reality:

How many sermons do you need to hear, blogs and books do you need to read to know that when it’s God’s timing He is going to bust open a door that no man can close! There are seasons for everything and it’s just not your season yet! At some point, we must go from understanding the milk of that word to the meat of the word that says, “God, I am content in You and I trust You. Even if it means that if I don’t meet my one-day husband for the next ten years, I know that this life isn’t a sum title of a diamond ring on my left hand’s ring finger”.

Here’s to staying true to God and putting Him first, trusting Him and not our own works and knowing that when it is time no one can stop it!